This Christmas

23 Dec

Christmas time through New Year’s has always been my favorite time of year.  I love the holiday spirit that takes over everyone and makes them just a bit nicer than usual.  There are more smiles and laughter.  I am not into the commercial side of the holidays but I enjoy going to the mall and watching all the frantic shoppers searching for the perfect or not so perfect gift.  Since becoming a mom I have even got into decorating the house and filling it with the smells of gingerbread and peppermint.  I also enacted a rule that only holiday songs be played, which annoys my husband to no end, but he smiles and bears it.

But, this Christmas…

This Christmas something is just off.  I am decorating more hesitantly, avoiding the malls, and have yet to fill the house with holiday smells. At first I could not figure out what was going on, but it came to me in the middle of the night when I was struggling to fall asleep. I realized that no gift I purchase, no song I sing, nor one twinkling light on the Christmas tree can bring any of those children of Newtown back.  And I want to.  I want to bring them back.

I want a mom to once again tuck in her baby for bed.

I want a dad to have a reason to spend all night wrapping gifts or building toys.

I want a grandma to be able to give those bear hugs that most grandma’s do

A brother or sister to be able to say “tag” or “you’re it”

I want to take the heartache away.  But I can’t.

I can’t bring them back and it hurts.

Besides signing a million petitions, calling my senator, and doing what I can to advocate for gun control, I feel helpless.  I have resorted to hugging my son 20 times a day, giving him 20 kisses before bed, and telling him 20 times how much I love him.  I remember the bravery of those teachers who gave their lives that day, wishing like hell I could do more. Christmas time is supposed to be filled with joy and New Year’s is supposed to usher in a brand new beginning .  But, this Christmas…

26 families have had their lives torn apart and I feel a little strange celebrating all that I have, knowing all that they have lost.

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Posted by on December 23, 2012 in Uncategorized


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