Christmas time through New Year’s has always been my favorite time of year. I love the holiday spirit that takes over everyone and makes them just a bit nicer than usual. There are more smiles and laughter. I am not into the commercial side of the holidays but I enjoy going to the mall and watching all the frantic shoppers searching for the perfect or not so perfect gift. Since becoming a mom I have even got into decorating the house and filling it with the smells of gingerbread and peppermint. I also enacted a rule that only holiday songs be played, which annoys my husband to no end, but he smiles and bears it.
But, this Christmas…
This Christmas something is just off. I am decorating more hesitantly, avoiding the malls, and have yet to fill the house with holiday smells. At first I could not figure out what was going on, but it came to me in the middle of the night when I was struggling to fall asleep. I realized that no gift I purchase, no song I sing, nor one twinkling light on the Christmas tree can bring any of those children of Newtown back. And I want to. I want to bring them back.
I want a mom to once again tuck in her baby for bed.
I want a dad to have a reason to spend all night wrapping gifts or building toys.
I want a grandma to be able to give those bear hugs that most grandma’s do
A brother or sister to be able to say “tag” or “you’re it”
I want to take the heartache away. But I can’t.
I can’t bring them back and it hurts.
Besides signing a million petitions, calling my senator, and doing what I can to advocate for gun control, I feel helpless. I have resorted to hugging my son 20 times a day, giving him 20 kisses before bed, and telling him 20 times how much I love him. I remember the bravery of those teachers who gave their lives that day, wishing like hell I could do more. Christmas time is supposed to be filled with joy and New Year’s is supposed to usher in a brand new beginning . But, this Christmas…
26 families have had their lives torn apart and I feel a little strange celebrating all that I have, knowing all that they have lost.