Monthly Archives: January 2011

In Pursuit of Family

Sometimes you lose the very thing you were hoping to find.  It is in those moments that you feel your heart-break into a million pieces.  It is even more painful to watch someone  you love scrambling to put those pieces back together.  It has been a little over a year since my husband lost his mother.  Ever since, he has held onto the hope that he and his brothers could forge a bond that had previously been separated by miles and miles of road. 

Determined to make the first step at building this bond, he traded his east coast lifestyle for southwestern flair.  It was reminiscent of the old western movies that talk about the new frontier.  People would risk their lives for the hope of building an uncertain future.  Some were after gold and others were after the peace and tranquility of frontier life and their own piece of land.  He wanted so badly to discover in his brother a family bond that would carry on the legacy of his mom. 

But sometimes you lose the very thing you were hoping to find. 

Just like for some of those old western settlers, a harsh reality greeted him.  The visions they had of fertile land and mountains of gold were often replaced with harsh dry earth, famine and disease.  In his pursuit of family he was left broken and more alone than he had ever felt.  Everything he believed about the integrity, character, and loyalty of his brother turned out to be an exaggerated version of a deeply rooted lie. 

I am sure he questioned himself, even when he would tell me that the only family he needed was me and our son.  I am sure he was ashamed of having the dream, making the pursuit, and believing the lie. 

I want him to know that the most important part of his mission was the pursuit.  Only by making the decision to seek what you want will you be able to figure out whether you ever really needed it, or even wanted it at all.  I love him for the pursuit.  I love that he was willing to take the risk, because sometimes you lose the very thing you were hoping to find. 

But sometimes, like this time, you don’t.  You find something even better.  In his pursuit of family, he learned that he had already created his very own.

Leave a comment

Posted by on January 27, 2011 in Uncategorized


At the Base of the Mountain

It has been a while since I graced these pages, but I am back.  A lot has changed.  I picked up and moved from Washington, DC to New Mexico.  I had never been here and did not know what to expect.  I fully trusted my husband’s belief that I would love it.  I can say that I do like the place, but it was not love at first sight.  Upon first arrival I marveled at its beauty but hated the slowness.  There is no sense of urgency here, not a green light, not in the line at Target, not even at a fast food restaurant.  It was a little jarring at first. It made me want to scream MOVE IT, or FASTER!!  It took me two weeks to get with this new pace. 

There is also no real love of politics and debate here.  It is like the mountains insulate you as if there is a barrier between me and the “real world”.  Huffington Post has been my savior by giving me glimpses of what is going on everywhere else.  I am also not a fan of the famous green chile here.  I can take it or leave it actually.  Let’s just say the first few weeks I was in shock and missed home with a passion.

But something happened.  Somewhere between desperately searching for political conversation and avoiding green chile I happened upon this stillness.  Every day when I leave the house I can see the majestic view of the Sandia Mountains.  Sometimes it sits against a cloudless blue sky and other times the top is covered with pure white clouds which my son tells us is a hat.  Even at night in darkness as thick as a blanket, you can still feel its presence. 

It sits there, still.  It is the one thing in the scenery that never changes.  We drive, and walk, and live around it and it kind of embraces the place.  We sit at the base of the mountain and after weeks of waking to its glory it has humbled me.  It has reminded me of all that came before me and all that will remain when I am gone.  It lets me know that there are greater things than my small problems and stresses.  The one thing I would love to take away from this place is the mountain and its humbling presence.

I want to take it to remind me to let go of the small stuff and to just sit and be still once in a while.  Though the pace here is slow, sometimes you need to slow down and bit and notice what is around you.  I am forever changed.

Leave a comment

Posted by on January 23, 2011 in Uncategorized